Catcalled

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I work at a yoga studio and so I spend most of my time in yoga clothes- and let’s be real for a second- jeans suck and yoga pants are awesome. Even if I didn’t do yoga I’d probably spent most of my time in yoga pants. Here’s my issue, boys, I don’t wear yoga pants for you, I wear them because my lazy ass doesn’t feel like shimmying into skinny jeans at 8 am. Because running around town all day, like I do, is much more comfortable in leggings.

I hate being catcalled- it makes me feel unsafe. Some people may think it’s a compliment. And I get that, I know that most men think they are giving me a ego boost but they’re not. Maybe if you were to tell me I looked beautiful or elegant… that would be one thing.  But, “damn ma” and “sexy”…those words make me feel cheap.

My rant comes from an incident this morning; I went to grab a cup of coffee after yoga and while walking there I passed a corner convenience store where there were two men leaning against the door. As I passed them they smiled and nodded “Good morning”, I responded appropriately with a smile and “good morning” back and headed into the cafe. When I left the two men were still there- now, in my perfect world I would like to keep my head down and walk right back to the yoga studio without having to socially engage everyone I see, but apparently that’s not polite- so as I walked past them again we make eye contact, “beautiful day” one says, I respond “Yes, gorgeous”… and, as though they knew I was waiting for it “just like your body, ma. Damn, gorgeous.” He says the word “Damn” like he is making love to it, and it sends shivers down my back.

Really, guys?

The look on my face must have given away my disgust because guy 2 goes “come on, ma. It’s a compliment.”

Number fucking 1. Stop calling me “Ma”- I do not like it. It is creepy and creates an air on anonymity. In a proper and cordial society we refer to women we do not know as “miss or Ma’am”. Not “Ma”, or “Baby”, or “Sweets”, or “Sexy”or “Miss Thang”

Number 2. Really?…. REALLY? “Just like your body”….my body?!?! The next time someone comments on my body I’m just going to turn around and say “Yeah, and what about my face, or have your eyes not made it there yet?”

Number 3. If the statement had been something more like, “You look beautiful, Miss.” or “You’re just as pretty as this day.” Maybe things may have gone differently, may I would have smiled and said thank you instead of dropping my eyes and quickening my pace. Maybe I would have left the conversation feeling pretty and not cheap. Maybe I would have stayed in my yoga pants instead of putting on sweatpants before venturing out again.

Project Unbreakable: College Students Give a Voice to Rape Victims

Hannah CohenStudent, University of Massachusetts GET UPDATES FROM HANNAH COHEN Like 3 Project Unbreakable: College Students Give a Voice to Rape Victims

By the time I am done, no one will want you. I will break you.”

“It’s cute how you resist like that, acting like you don’t want it.”

Those two phrases were part of a litany of quotes from more than 400 men and women to illustrate the vast array of sexual assault experiences on the Project Unbreakable blog.

“The first few days that I was there it was really interesting to bear witness to people taking back the power that had been taken from them,” said Kaelyn Siverksy, a former UMass Student and current director of Project Unbreakable……

There is nothing wrong with me.

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I’m sad.

I watched the news today and it made me very sad. I know I probably sound like a 5- year old right now, but I don’t really care. Today made me sad. 

I watched c-span for the majority of the afternoon while the Supreme Court heard arguments about the constitutionality of Proposition 8. As someone who is interested in politics and law I found the conversation between the lawyers and justices to be incredibly fascinating and intriguing…

 

As someone who is gay, I wanted to crawl into myself and hide. Imagine watching a group of people discuss whether or not the constitution applies to you. Imagine hearing people tell you that you are not worth the same legal protection and benefits as your siblings. Imagine listening while people tell you that who and what you are is wrong. I listened to men and women quote the bible, I listened to people say that god didn’t make me like this, that something about me could be “fixed” or changed. I listened while people said I was less then them…I was less worthy, that as a citizen of this country that I was worth less then them.

 

All I wanted to do was scream that there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. I wanted to convince them, and then myself. 

 

It struck me…how upset I was that I had let their words could effect me so greatly. I was angry that people who have never met me could imagine me me in such a harsh way. I was hurt that they couldn’t see me for what I am- and that is so much more then my sexuality.

 

And then I though about the amazing women with whom I have shared love. The tender moments and gracious love. I wished I could invited the cynical, bible-verse throwing, bigots into my heart during those moments. So they could feel what it’s like to know love. Because wrapped in her I know that nothing about this could be wrong.

Feeling this whole, this genuine and this blessed…could never be wrong.

 

The invisible War

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I recently watched a really amazing and insightful documentary about sexual abuse and violence in the military. It’s called “The Invisible War”, directed by Kirby Dick. The documentary tells stories of rape and sexual violence and how the military dealt with such issues. It is currently nominated for Best Documentary Feature at the upcoming academy awards.

The invisible war features interviews with survivors of sexual assault who discuss the events surrounding their assaults, it gives a very insightful and honest portrayal of rape culture, not only in the armed forces but in our society in general. It also provides a look at what survivors lives are like after the attacks, including a look at PTSD, anxiety, depression and suicidal tendency.

Definitely a trigger warning, as the film discusses rape and sexual violence in detail.

Watch the trailer HERE

If you’ve watched it already, please share your thoughts!

Best,
Kaelyn

Project Unbreakable

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Project Unbreakable

“You’re nothing…”

These are words I have heard over and over again. These are the words that have consistently affected my life, they were an attempt to convince me I was worthless, that I deserved nothing more then what was happening.

They are the words that were whispered to me when I was raped 6 years ago. They were the words that kept me chained to the idea that I, in fact, was not worth helping. They were the words that kept me pretty much silent for years. They were the words that held me back. But on October 28th, 2012, in a park in my hometown they didn’t hold me, I held them.

Taking the photograph with Grace was everything I thought it would be, but still don’t have the words to explain exactly what it felt like. In a way it was like telling a secret. But instead of whispering words that were told to me in confidence I was screaming a lie that I was forced to harbor. It was incredibly liberating. The things that were said that night stayed with me after all of these years, growing heavier and heavier. Without even the slightest realization I had grown to fully believed the terrible words he had spoken. I have been struggling for 6 years because I felt like I was worth nothing.  For 6 years I carried around this weight that I didn’t even realize I was holding on to. On October 28th I was able to get shed a bit of that weight and lessen my attachment to that day. Those words will always remain with me, but for the first time, I wasn’t being held back by them.

Project Unbreakable

On the few occasions I have really told anyone my story I have been told I am strong. I always resented people saying that because I never felt strong.  I felt like most people say that because they didn’t know what else was appropriate.  “You must be strong”, became a very superficial response to me. The way it came out of these people’s mouths was so forced; it felt so obligated, that it got to the point that I dreaded hearing it.

The way I explain it is that a lot of the time I feel like I am just surviving, there is no “off” switch to this post-rape reality so I have learned to take it day by day, step by step.  I saw this “strength” people were talking about as being closed off, too cautious, guarded. I saw minor slip ups in my recover process as huge setbacks. My strength was just a defense mechanism, keeping me from ever starting my recovery processes at all.

During my teacher training I told my yoga teacher my story. She and I had a conversation about how I could begin to grow through my experience instead of fighting it.  A little way into our talk I told her my thoughts on my “strength”.  She cut me off and looked at the ground, shaking her head, she said “you are so strong, Kae. So strong.” For the first time ever that those words felt genuine, she truly believed that I was a strong. Not strong because I was raped, but because for the first time I am actively trying to recover and because she knows how hard it is for me to let myself feel the emotions that come with being a rape survivor.  And she is proud of me for trying. I thank her so much for that.

For the first time I really believed that I must be stronger for working through this.

xox

Kae